My daughter is in middle school. What a year it has been. Not sure which is harder 6th grade or 7th. For her or for me. Last year she spent the year pretending to like the "group" she, by default was part of. She is my youngest of three kids. Mira is bright, energetic, funny, kooky and incredibly kind. None of that mattered, she was bullied the entire first year of middle school.
I'm not sure who cried more - me or her? I work from home so I was able to respond to her urgent phone call last spring: "mom, (between sobs) can you pick me up in town? the girls I was supposed to meet are not telling me where they actually are - they tell me, I go then they are not there..." get the picture? I'm out the door before she can finish. Out of the 4 girls, one apologized (via text) one told her mother she had nothing to do with it, (her mom, a psychiatrist actually believed her). The others eventually texted "we are at … we were just kidding, " but the bully kept bullying; that night she posted a selfie of her and the other 3 girls with a tag line "best day ever in town with my BFF's." The many mean comments about Mira's body (she is not stick thin) or her hair (she's a curly girl) and the fact that I let her double pierce her ear had become the norm.
Mira got her period just shy of her 12th birthday. A week later we threw her a surprise swim party. I invited NO one from school. How could I? The day after her period began, she went off to school exited, with her pack full of period equipment. She was nervous and anxious about how she was going to manage it, but up for the challenge. She obsessed over what to use, what to bring. She was afraid of being caught. As far as she knew or could tell, she was possibly the first kid to get her period in 6th grade. Still, she was proud and happily went off to school. Mira returned from school that day, turning the corner into our driveway seeing me, she burst into tears. Not the first time this year. "I'm pretty sure everyone is going to know by tomorrow that I got my period." How is that possible and why should that be bad? Well, on one of Mira’s many visits to the bathroom that day, aware of the girl in the next stall, anxiously opened her bag, found the pad, opened the package, removed the strip and threw out the soiled one in the metal bin ... when Mira emerged from the stall, the girl waiting outside said "This is the stall I use” and pushed mira aside to go in. Mira had a strange feeling and turned around to see, through the crack, the girl opening the bin with the discarded pad. By the next day all the girls in her grade seemed to know that she got her period. When confronted, she lied and said no. I marched into school the next day to meet the VP. First time I have ever had to do this. I could see how upset and angry the VP was, she could see how angry and shocked I was. I was not too happy with the schools reaction to the very first incident, in town. But this was hideous and I insisted she call the parents of this girl. She said she could not do that. I threatened to blog the incident if she did not call the parent of this child. She agreed.
However, she had to endure relentless bullying by a kid who would not stop, despite Mira moving to a somewhat nicer group to sit with at lunch. Her comments about Mira’s body continued; I hovered I worried but mostly encouraged her, admired her beauty and strength of character and her wit. I want her to love her body – and even through all of this I think she does. She pulled up her shirt one day and said what’s up with this pointing to the one breast larger than the other. I look directly at the smaller breast and say - hey you better catch up! We fall into each others arms laughing into a GIANT HUG. My brave girl made it through most of the year with fewer tears, and less often asked for a "HUG."
People would often say to me – It’s middle school it will pass. But will it? And while I will never have to deal with this again, some other parent will and won’t. And for Mira? She will definitely encounter this at whatever age appropriate version of this phase, where she is made to feel uncomfortable about her body. This resonates for me now as we hear daily the many girls and women who have suffered because our culture continues to see girls and women as objects free to comment on or touch or shame whenever and however. Whether in middle school, or on the Senate floor, as a joke or something more sinister, we have to deal with this and now. And btw – I never did hear from that parent.
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| I need a hug |
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| Body Project w/ Miralena |
